The Dizziness of Freedom
by pullingbeckettspigtails
Summary: 2x05 episode AU: Beckett has a panic attack at the 'Heat Wave' book launch party, and unsurprisingly, her partner is there by her side. Slight TW; anxiety. Based on an anonymous prompt from the castlefanficprompts Tumblr.


**2x05 episode AU: Beckett has a panic attack at the 'Heat Wave' book launch party, and unsurprisingly, her partner is there by her side. Slight TW - anxiety**

**Based on an anonymous prompt from the castlefanficprompts tumblr; "Castle helps Beckett get through a panic attack"**

**Hope you enjoy!**

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><p>Beckett fiddled with the necklace wrapped around her neck, lost in thought as she rode in the back of the hot, sweaty cab. She was on her way to Castle's premiere of the 'Heat Wave' novel, and right now, she was beginning to wonder why she ever agreed to come.<p>

Maybe it was partly to do with the fact that if he had written a whole book about her, she presumed that the least she could do was show up to one of his fancy, writer parties.

And possibly to do with the fact that all the other members of her team were going to attend, and she'd never hear the end of it if she didn't, with no good reason.

And definitely nothing to do with the small, despairing look that instantaneously appeared on his face when she started to reject the invite.

Kate practically threw her hands back down into her lap when she noticed her fingers moving subconsciously around the cold, metal beads. She was not nervous. She was a homicide detective that dealt with murder on a daily basis. She was not scared of a few photographers and high profile celebrities. She had no reason to be unnerved.

She repeated this mantra on a loop in her head, along with the occasional 'deep breath in, deep breath out'.

Once she had finally felt a little more settled, the car abruptly stopped, the driver with a thick New York accent peeking through the partition, "We're here, love! Have a good time tonight, aye?" He leered as Kate quickly handed over her money, murmuring a barely audible 'thanks'.

Even a couple of blocks away from the building, she could see the ruckus that was occurring. The strobe lights glistening up the walls, the occasional flashes of cameras, the rugged voices of the photographers.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Beckett focused on walking evenly in her heels, keeping her head down, trying to look unaffected by the attention she attracted as she arrived to the location of the party.

"Nikki Heat! Nikki Heat!"

"What's it like to have Richard Castle write a novel for you?"

"Are you two dating? Give us an exclusive!"

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot.

"Look over here, darlin'! Head up, smile nice and pretty for me!"

"Can you give us the inside scoop on Richard Castle? What is he like out of the spotlight?"

Head down, shoulders relaxed.

"What's it like being the precinct's homicide hottie?"

"Any words to our loyal readers?"

Breathe in, breathe out. Steady, even, unfazed.

"Do you think Nikki Heat will become a best seller, like Derrick Storm?"

"Why did you decide to become a detective? We need some backstory on Nikki Heat!"

A few more steps to the door. Left, right, breathe in, breathe out.

"We haven't got a decent picture of you yet! Come on, we need some fodder for page six!"

"How do the rest of the team at the precinct feel about Richard Castle?"

"Would you be willing to give us an exclusive statement?"

Kate pushed the door open and scurried through the narrow doorway, escaping the desperate cries of the paparazzi, ignoring the comments whispering that she was a 'cold bitch'.

She gasped for air, but it just got worse. The pounding of the music rung in her ears, the loud voices circling her made her feel like she was surrounded, the smell of alcohol and perfume and paint and after shave all attacked her nostrils, making breathing an even harder feat. Her eyes scanned the room as she whipped her head around jerkily, ignoring her shaking hands, clenching them into fists.

Just people. People you don't know. People who will judge you.

No.

So many people. They probably won't even notice you. You're no-one. Except you're the star of the book. Everyone's eyes are on you. Expecting you to be Nikki Heat. Strong, independent, fierce.

Stop.

Just go to the bathroom. Hide in the stall. Where is the bathroom? Where are the guys? The Captain? Hell, where's Castle? Was Lanie here? She couldn't remember if she was coming. Her mind was too pre-occupied.

Breathe in, breathe out.

It's not working.

She felt the tears prick at her eyes, wiping the area underneath before the tears even had the chance to spill. Not here. Just go. Tell Castle you weren't feeling well. But what will he think? He'll hate you. Just like everyone else here does.

"Beckett?"

Her head snapped around. Castle. With concern in his eyes, worry plastered all over his face. Shit. She was ruining everything.

"I-" She attempted to explain.

"Hey, what is it?"

"I can't-" She took another steady breath, digging her nails in her palms. Stop, Kate. It's stupid. You're stupid.

"Come with me."

Before Kate could make sense of the words, she felt light pressure on the small of her back. His hand. Guiding her. He hurried past the people trying to get his attention, stating excuses like 'not now' and 'one second' and 'I'll be right back'.

Kate opened her mouth to say something. Anything. But she couldn't. Her mouth had dried up. Closed up. Not able to breathe.

"Almost there, Beckett." She heard him calmly whisper into her ear.

The two finally approached a heavy looking, black door, which Castle promptly swung open, leading Beckett out to the small alleyway behind the building which was dark and stingy. But quiet and not stuffy, to Kate's relief.

She gasped for air, her voice shaking, "I- I'm-"

"Shh, it's okay. Just breathe. In for 3 seconds, out for 5, can you do that for me?" Rick asked in a sturdy voice, his eyes never leaving her. She merely nodded in response.

In for 3, out for 5. In for- What were the people inside thinking? What if they saw him take her outside? Of course they would've seen him, it's his party. What would they presume?

"Kate."

Castle's incessant voice snapped her out of her thoughts. Right. In for 3, out for 5. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, not caring about the tears leaking down her cheeks. Suddenly, she felt a warm presence on each side of her face, thumbs wiping away the beads of salty water.

"Shh. Focus on me, okay? I'm here. With you. Just us two, and no-one else. And it's all going to over soon, just focus on your breathing, please do that for me?"

Beckett nodded again, more tears spilling down her pink cheeks. Stupid. Worthless. Pathetic. She couldn't even come to a social event without having a breakdown.

"Breathing, Kate. Don't focus on your thoughts, or the people in the room, or work, or anything. Just remind yourself to breathe."

In for 3, out for 5. In, out. In, out.

Castle's thumbs continued to gently stroke along her cheekbones, she leaned into his touch as she felt herself calm down slightly.

"Good, Kate. Keep doing that. It'll be over soon."

She nodded once more. In, out. She stretched out her fingers repeatedly, ignoring the small, sharp pains left from her fingernails. A large exhale out, she felt herself stop shaking, and slowly coming back to reality.

After another few moments, she finally opened her eyes, instantly meeting Rick's crystal blue gaze, concern still plastered over his features.

Large inhale, "I'm so-"

"If you say you're sorry, I'm going to slap you. My hands are already on your face, in prime position." He spoke quietly, his voice not matching the joking tone of his words.

She chuckled lightly, though it sounded more like a hiccup, "I am though. I ruined your night."

"You're kidding, right?"

Beckett's eyebrows lifted up sceptically as she tilted her head as much as she could with the writer's hands still stroking the line of her jaw.

"Seriously, you just saved me from annoying reviewers, vapid publishers and blood sucking paparazzi. If anything, I should thank you."

"For having a breakdown at your book launch?"

"Yes." He concluded matter-of-factly, showing that this topic of conversation was finished.

Rick slowly withdrew his hands from Kate's face, as she tried not to focus on the slap of cold that hit her.

"Where did you learn to… deal with this… kind of stuff?" Kate inquired, hand running along the length of her arm self-consciously, the bangles jingling.

Rick let out a small sigh, "Alexis. She sometimes used to suffer from panic attacks, at these kinds of events, actually." Kate raised her brow, prompting him to continue, "I used to always insist that she stay home with Mother, but Paula insisted that Alexis came with me. For publicity."

Kate huffed out a noise of disbelief, "Publicity?"

He nodded solemnly, "Yeah. And the worst thing? I followed through with it. It was the first few years at Black Pawn, I was terrified that the second I disobeyed my publisher, she would kick me out on my ass. So I brought her along. She never seemed extremely bothered at the time, just slightly more quiet than usual. But I thought it was to be expected with all the strangers lurking about."

Kate nodded in sympathy, signalling that she understood, but nonetheless Rick ploughed through the story, "It was little things at first. The increased breathing, her face would go red, she'd start turning her head in every direction, almost like hypervigilance. But she didn't have a full-on panic attack until she was about twelve-years-old. She was on a Geography field trip, and she called me in the middle of the night. I could barely understand her through the crying and the gasping breaths. She was rambling about how she couldn't breathe and she thought she was going to die. I offered to come pick her up, but she fervently refused, saying she'd be fine soon." He paused, a contemplative look on his face, "I've never felt more helpless than I did then. And after that incident, I researched everything I could on what that was. Once I realised that she had a panic attack, we went to the doctor's together, and she was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. And there's still a part of me that thinks that I caused it, making her go to all those fucking parties and signings, scaring her half to death."

Beckett perked up, shaking her head rapidly, "No, Rick. You didn't cause it. It's usually a pre-disposed thing."

"But it can be brought on by a trigger." He reasoned, lowering his gaze.

"Even if you do feel guilty, you shouldn't. Because you've done everything you can to help her. And I'm sure she… really appreciates it." Kate said shyly.

Rick picked up on Kate's hesitance, but followed her lead, "As long as she knows that it's not her fault, and that I would never think any less of her."

"She might not believe that." Beckett shrugged, rubbing the nape of her neck.

"But she should," He insisted, "It's not some flaw or default. It's just a part of her. And I would never judge her for a small thing like that."

"But… what if she's supposed to be strong, independent, fierce? And not be brought down by some people with cameras and loud, booming voices?"

"Everyone has their bad days. It just makes the good days that much better."

Kate finally looked up and smiled appreciatively at her partner, prompting him to smile brightly in return.

"Come on," he said, offering her his arm, though she looked at it questioningly, "I hear that milkshakes and burgers are great comfort food. Remy's?"

"But what about your party?"

"I've had 22 other book launches, I won't miss anything special."

Kate smiled at his honesty, and looped her arm through his, twirling a lock of her short, curled hair with her other hand.

Suddenly, Rick stopped, "How fast do you think you can run in those heels?"

"Why?" Kate asked with suspicion.

"Because we need to make it back out of here without being stopped or photographed." He explained, hoping that he wouldn't make her anxious again.

She paused, then a smirk grew on her face, "Let's run, writer-boy." She unlinked his arm from his and instead laced her fingers through his, tightening the grasp so their palms were connected.

The two quickly sprinted in away from the building, their laughs breaking the silence of the night.

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><p><strong>I know this was a slightly different style of writing, but I wanted to make this slightly more Kate-centric and therefore imitate her thoughts. And trust me, those are the kind of thoughts that occur during a panic attack.<strong>

**I'm kind of nervous about this one, so please let me know what you think? I'd really really appreciate it.**

**Also, this is my first NaNoWriMo work, yay! I'll be (attempting) to write 50,000 words of oneshots throughout November, so if you have any prompts, they'd be greatly appreciated! Feel free to PM them to be on here, or drop me a message on Tumblr!**

**Thanks so much for reading!**

**Lou xo**

**Castle Tumblr; pullingbeckettspigtails**

**AO3; pullingbeckettpigtails (go figure)**


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